Anti-social what?!

Anti-social personality disorder.

T's suspected disorder, which initially I thought was absurd. Anti-social? T is the least anti-social person I know. Lacking in relational etiquette for sure, but wasn't his social 'ability' part of our problem? His ability to charm the pants off of people (sometimes literally), his general 'the glass is half full' attitude, willing to help wherever he was needed. So what is this disorder?

ASPD is defined as "...a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in early childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood."
Symptoms can include some of the following:

• Persistent lying and/or stealing
• Superficial charm
• Apparent lack of remorse or empathy; inability to care about hurting others
• Impulsivity and/or recklessness
• Recurring difficulties with the law
• Tendency to violate the rights and boundaries of others
• Inability to tolerate boredom
• Consistent irresponsibility; repeated failure to honor financial obligations and maintain relationships such as marriage
• Etc... etc...etc...

Hmmmm, that sounds an awful lot like my husband. To get an official diagnosis you must display a minimum of 3 of a total of 7 characteristics. T had a solid 6. What was missing was an irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated fights or assaults. I never saw T get aggressive, he rarely raised his voice and was always respectful during a disagreement.

What do you do when a loved one is diagnosed with this disorder? A part of me felt so relieved to have something to hold onto. A name, an official disorder, something I could research like mad and possibly get my head around. Being married to T had only brought about confusion, a sense of uncertainty and massive self doubt. I didn't know if I was sleeping with an ally or an enemy from night to night!

The potential for rehabilitation from this disorder is slim. There isn't a pill or a program that has proven successful. Many inmates that have been diagnosed with ASPD are the offenders people lock away for life. They never qualify for parole because they are going to do what they do again and again. Oh this was bad news! I felt despair and a sense of hopelessness. I was in love with a man that would likely never change. I no longer carried a hope of restoration for our marriage, it had been dying a slow death... too many infidelities, too many lies.

Putting our marriage aside, T is the other half of R's parenting equation. The only innocent in this mess. Knowing what I know, looking over his track record it is likely that R will be hurt deeply by her daddy. Will he deceive her? Manipulate her? Use his charm to disregard his parental irresponsibility's? Statistics say yes. It's been my experience that even with the healthiest of parents most of us girls grow up with some kind of "daddy issue", something to work through. But what if your momma saw it coming? What if it was more then just a typical parental failure? What if it could leave scars so deep your healing would have to be extensive and without character and strength you may not walk through it at all? What would you want her to do then? Swoop you away and when the time came walk you through the grief of a relationship lost? Or hold your hand, while whispering that the only certainties in this world is that your Heavenly Father will never fail you and your momma will always love you, and walk with you through what may be one of your life's greatest challenges?

I just don't know...