Anti-social what?!

Anti-social personality disorder.

T's suspected disorder, which initially I thought was absurd. Anti-social? T is the least anti-social person I know. Lacking in relational etiquette for sure, but wasn't his social 'ability' part of our problem? His ability to charm the pants off of people (sometimes literally), his general 'the glass is half full' attitude, willing to help wherever he was needed. So what is this disorder?

ASPD is defined as "...a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in early childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood."
Symptoms can include some of the following:

• Persistent lying and/or stealing
• Superficial charm
• Apparent lack of remorse or empathy; inability to care about hurting others
• Impulsivity and/or recklessness
• Recurring difficulties with the law
• Tendency to violate the rights and boundaries of others
• Inability to tolerate boredom
• Consistent irresponsibility; repeated failure to honor financial obligations and maintain relationships such as marriage
• Etc... etc...etc...

Hmmmm, that sounds an awful lot like my husband. To get an official diagnosis you must display a minimum of 3 of a total of 7 characteristics. T had a solid 6. What was missing was an irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated fights or assaults. I never saw T get aggressive, he rarely raised his voice and was always respectful during a disagreement.

What do you do when a loved one is diagnosed with this disorder? A part of me felt so relieved to have something to hold onto. A name, an official disorder, something I could research like mad and possibly get my head around. Being married to T had only brought about confusion, a sense of uncertainty and massive self doubt. I didn't know if I was sleeping with an ally or an enemy from night to night!

The potential for rehabilitation from this disorder is slim. There isn't a pill or a program that has proven successful. Many inmates that have been diagnosed with ASPD are the offenders people lock away for life. They never qualify for parole because they are going to do what they do again and again. Oh this was bad news! I felt despair and a sense of hopelessness. I was in love with a man that would likely never change. I no longer carried a hope of restoration for our marriage, it had been dying a slow death... too many infidelities, too many lies.

Putting our marriage aside, T is the other half of R's parenting equation. The only innocent in this mess. Knowing what I know, looking over his track record it is likely that R will be hurt deeply by her daddy. Will he deceive her? Manipulate her? Use his charm to disregard his parental irresponsibility's? Statistics say yes. It's been my experience that even with the healthiest of parents most of us girls grow up with some kind of "daddy issue", something to work through. But what if your momma saw it coming? What if it was more then just a typical parental failure? What if it could leave scars so deep your healing would have to be extensive and without character and strength you may not walk through it at all? What would you want her to do then? Swoop you away and when the time came walk you through the grief of a relationship lost? Or hold your hand, while whispering that the only certainties in this world is that your Heavenly Father will never fail you and your momma will always love you, and walk with you through what may be one of your life's greatest challenges?

I just don't know...

The man I thought I married

I guess if I'm going to blog about being a single mother I could start with my journey into my current relationship status. T is Rylann's dad, he is charming and gracious. For all intents and purposes he is a simple man. Not stupid by any means, but a blue jeans and Ford kind of guy. When I met him I used to tease him about his daily 'uniform', dark wash blue jeans and a white t-shirt. He came from a different income bracket then I was raised in and would have considered my parents and their friends 'yuppies' had he met them in a different context.


We met when I was 24. I was happy and content with my place in life, settling into a new place & career. I had dreams I was still hoping to fulfill and plans on reaching them. T wasn't a necessary edition, but he seemed to enrich my life.


From the moment we met life seemed easy with him. Of course there were butterflies and passion, but it was just as easy to cuddle on the couch as it was dress up and head downtown. He seemed to blend well with my friends and family. He remembered what was important to me and cerished who I was. He had a slight stutter and every so often his left eye would twitch. I thought both things were endearing and assumed it was just nerves from being out of his element. I've since come to believe that maybe it was due to his fear of being found out.


Our relationship moved quickly and he asked me to marry him just 4 1/2 months after we first began talking. I said yes with the condition that he move to Canada, we were in the midst of a long distance relationship (Portland Oregon to BC Canada). I was nervous about marrying someone I'd only seen on weekends. I wanted to know how he did life 24/7, the good and the bad. Two months later he moved permanently to Canada. My uncle found him a job and life moved on. The economy was bad in Oregon. T had been at a job that made very little and I assumed his willingness to move was not only on my behalf, but because it would ultimately be the best financial decision for the family we were hoping to build together.

Wedding plans moved ahead. We booked our wedding for October, just 1 year since we'd met for the first time. I didn't have a ton of fears with marrying T. Anything that did come up he was able to put to rest, and none of my family or friends raised any concerns. I wonder if we were just all too caught up in the enchantment of it all?

I did logically write out a list of pros and cons that looked something like this.

• We had fun together. (I'd yet to get tired of him... mind you we were only a year in!)
• We shared a similar faith (from different backgrounds, but the basics were solid)
• He loved the things about me that I was most insecure about.
• I didn't feel like he expected me to change who I was, I knew he wanted me for me.
• We shared similar values in family, finances and morals.
• He took initiative in life and our relationship. He was someone I was comfortable allowing to take the lead on things.
• He had a strong work ethic.
• He cared for my family, before they were his own.
• We fought well!

I would like to expand a little on the latter. Fighting may seem like a strange thing to evaluate compatibility on, but it was eye opening for me. In all my past relationships I had dreaded any kind of disagreement. I avoided them like the plague, and they always seemed to end poorly. Tears, screaming, someone shutting down had been my experience. With T it was so NORMAL for lack of a better word. Sometimes we disagreed. Sometimes I hurt him. Sometimes he hurt me. But we never name called, we never screamed and we never left. We both just went in with our heads up and plugged through until there was a resolution. I believed because of this there would be peace in our home.

Cons:

• His family is disfunctional at its best.

I am out of my element with them. I don't understand how they manage to do life with so much drama, gossip and fighting. I knew my relationship with my in laws would never be easy. T had shared too many stories of abuse and neglect in his childhood that I would never be able to open my heart fully to them. And yet how do you judge the merit of a man by the quality of his family? Is that fair? Should I make the decision not to marry him based on something he'd never have the opportunity to change? I sought counsel, I confided in my closest friends and we went went over it in pre-marriage counselling. In the end my decision was no I would not hold it against him. As a person he was what I wanted, the things I wouldn't compromise on were there.

And so we married October 21, 2006 at the most beautiful candlelight ceremony. The fairy tale started, but little did I know the apple doesn't always fall far from the tree or maybe nothing was as it seemed in the first place...

Dragon Love

Driving home from my parents Ry was happily chatting away in the back seat when she announces, "My LOVE dragons mommy!"

Dragons? Really? Where has my two year old learned to love dragons? Racking my brain I remember that we do own a toddlers version of 'The Paper Bag Princess'. Other then that I'm coming up empty.

In moments like this it's best to go straight to the source...

"Really Ry, you love dragons?"

"Ummm, mo-om! My AM A PRINCESS you know!", said with all the disdain and cheek her two year vocabulary could evoke.

Heaven help me! Raising royalty is hard work.