Off to school you go...

WOW! In just a few days I will be dropping you off at Kindergarten.

My Baby. My Little.

When you were born someone told me that in parenting

"the days are long, but the years are short".

At the time I was doubtful of that advice. I was in the middle of sleepless nights and endless diapers.

I couldn't imagine a day would come without either.

But come it did.

You no longer need me to change your diaper, warm a bottle or wipe your nose.

You're growing up.

Into a beautiful little girl.

You need me in new ways now.

You need me to bite my tongue when you finally decide to tackle the monkey bars I think are a

little too high.

You need me to celebrate enthusiastically after your first successful sleepover.

You're brave my girl.

"Be STRONG and COURAGEOUS. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with YOU

wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9 

You need me to tell you the truth about your family.

When you don't understand why for now it's the two of us.

(And our GREAT BIG tribe)

You need to hear me say...

Whatever choices your mommy & daddy make the truth is

"You, Rylann Evelyn Grace, are the very BEST of both of us!"

You take life in stride.

That's your dad.

You love with your whole heart.

That's me.

You help willingly and eagerly always.

That's your dad.

You're passionate and creative.

That's me.

But there's something else I see in you, my sweet girl.

A desire to find and know the truth.

In all circumstances you want to know "is that true?"

It's fun to pretend, but in the end you are a seeker of truth.

That's all you my girl! 

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me

with all of your heart."

Jeremiah 29:13

You need me to forgive you every time you ask for it.

It's your new thing.

 Anytime you do something wrong, or perceive you've done something wrong

you ask "do you 'give me?" 

So very often there's nothing to forgive.

What happens are accidents and mistakes, all a part of growing up.

But because you ask so sincerely I am always quick to say...

"Of course I forgive you."

And I do.

I love this about you and hope you never stop acknowledging your mistakes and seeking forgiveness.

It's a good life skill.

It's shows strong character, my daughter.

It's builds strong relationships, and tears walls down.

It keeps pride at bay.

Be willing to offer forgiveness as freely as you ask for it.

And when life gets tough and you've made mistakes know that forgiveness is yours...

"For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you."
Psalm 86:5

So as you enter this next stage in life, my prayer for you my girl is...

That you'll be kind.

To yourself and to others.

That you'll find friendship.

Whether with many or only a few, real friendship.

Life can be tough, but it is so much nicer to live with a good friend by your side.

Someone to be silly with, to cry with and to give you a good 'kick in the pants' when it's needed!

That you will let yourself make mistakes.

Perfection's boring and learning is half the fun!

We all make mistakes, learn from them and move on.

That the adults that will spend so much time with you will be blessed by you.

And you by them.

That you will belive in YOU.

Remember who you are, and where you come from.

Don't compromise on the things that count...

you'll know what they are.

You are wonderfully made, and well equipped for this next stage in your journey.

I am so excited to see what plans have been made for you.

As you continue to learn to grow, I will continue to learn to let go.

Now go on and... 'Rock this Party! You've got this!'

Love, Mama

Pictures by LisaMariePhotography.ca

Whose kid are you anyway?!

Rylann and I have just gotten home from a glorious 10 days playing on the beaches of Maui. It was truly a blessing to be away from the hustle of normal life and spend some much-needed time together. The trip went by without any major hitch and I found myself with loads of extra patience and grace. ‘What? You don’t want to go ni-night without me?’ hmmm, I’ve got nothing else I need to do… ‘Okay, let’s snuggle!’ And then our plane touched down and very quickly our daily life caught up to me…

Grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, schoolwork and back to work, doctors appointments and cheer practice… where do the days go? In just 72 hours I’ve found myself morph from a ‘yes mom’ to a ‘not right now mom’. I’d prefer that this was not the case, but reality dictates that things need to get done. Not everything and not impeccably, but many responsibilities are a necessity in life. So what happens when you’re spread so far that you can not meet all the needs let alone some of the wants of your children? As most of you know I’m in the process of flying solo on this parenting journey, it’s just Rylann and me and about 20 other close friends and family that have become our village in this season of life. Sometimes I can’t do what she needs in her time frame. If you’re safe, warm, loved and fed… then the next step my sweet daughter is to learn patience!

I was on an important call, while packing some snacks before heading out to work and Rylann was frantic that she needed help ‘w-ight now!’ to get her shirt over her head. I calmly told her mommy was on the phone and she would have to wait. The conversation went longer than expected and Rylann came back to ask in about 30 second intervals until finally it appeared she’d found something to occupy her time. I finished up with the phone calls and headed into her room. There sat my daughter fully dressed and beaming from ear to ear. I immediately started doing the happy dance and congratulating her on her success. Well no sooner had I started the celebration then Rylann quickly stopped and said “Mom, my didn’t do it by myself… God taught me!” And then proceeded to explain how sad she was that I was on the phone when she needed help, so God came and taught her how to do it instead. She ended with an emphatic “and now my will always know how!” And she has…

How did Rylann learn to put her shirt on? How did God teach her something so practical? I don’t know, but I do know that although I have been given the honor of being her mother she was His first. Although I can’t imagine anyone loving her more then I do, He does. I know if need be I would give my life for her, but He already has. This was just another reminder that I am not parenting alone. The entire responsibility of raising this little girly up does not lie on my shoulder, my village and God has my back.

Anti-social what?!

Anti-social personality disorder.

T's suspected disorder, which initially I thought was absurd. Anti-social? T is the least anti-social person I know. Lacking in relational etiquette for sure, but wasn't his social 'ability' part of our problem? His ability to charm the pants off of people (sometimes literally), his general 'the glass is half full' attitude, willing to help wherever he was needed. So what is this disorder?

ASPD is defined as "...a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in early childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood."
Symptoms can include some of the following:

• Persistent lying and/or stealing
• Superficial charm
• Apparent lack of remorse or empathy; inability to care about hurting others
• Impulsivity and/or recklessness
• Recurring difficulties with the law
• Tendency to violate the rights and boundaries of others
• Inability to tolerate boredom
• Consistent irresponsibility; repeated failure to honor financial obligations and maintain relationships such as marriage
• Etc... etc...etc...

Hmmmm, that sounds an awful lot like my husband. To get an official diagnosis you must display a minimum of 3 of a total of 7 characteristics. T had a solid 6. What was missing was an irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated fights or assaults. I never saw T get aggressive, he rarely raised his voice and was always respectful during a disagreement.

What do you do when a loved one is diagnosed with this disorder? A part of me felt so relieved to have something to hold onto. A name, an official disorder, something I could research like mad and possibly get my head around. Being married to T had only brought about confusion, a sense of uncertainty and massive self doubt. I didn't know if I was sleeping with an ally or an enemy from night to night!

The potential for rehabilitation from this disorder is slim. There isn't a pill or a program that has proven successful. Many inmates that have been diagnosed with ASPD are the offenders people lock away for life. They never qualify for parole because they are going to do what they do again and again. Oh this was bad news! I felt despair and a sense of hopelessness. I was in love with a man that would likely never change. I no longer carried a hope of restoration for our marriage, it had been dying a slow death... too many infidelities, too many lies.

Putting our marriage aside, T is the other half of R's parenting equation. The only innocent in this mess. Knowing what I know, looking over his track record it is likely that R will be hurt deeply by her daddy. Will he deceive her? Manipulate her? Use his charm to disregard his parental irresponsibility's? Statistics say yes. It's been my experience that even with the healthiest of parents most of us girls grow up with some kind of "daddy issue", something to work through. But what if your momma saw it coming? What if it was more then just a typical parental failure? What if it could leave scars so deep your healing would have to be extensive and without character and strength you may not walk through it at all? What would you want her to do then? Swoop you away and when the time came walk you through the grief of a relationship lost? Or hold your hand, while whispering that the only certainties in this world is that your Heavenly Father will never fail you and your momma will always love you, and walk with you through what may be one of your life's greatest challenges?

I just don't know...

The man I thought I married

I guess if I'm going to blog about being a single mother I could start with my journey into my current relationship status. T is Rylann's dad, he is charming and gracious. For all intents and purposes he is a simple man. Not stupid by any means, but a blue jeans and Ford kind of guy. When I met him I used to tease him about his daily 'uniform', dark wash blue jeans and a white t-shirt. He came from a different income bracket then I was raised in and would have considered my parents and their friends 'yuppies' had he met them in a different context.


We met when I was 24. I was happy and content with my place in life, settling into a new place & career. I had dreams I was still hoping to fulfill and plans on reaching them. T wasn't a necessary edition, but he seemed to enrich my life.


From the moment we met life seemed easy with him. Of course there were butterflies and passion, but it was just as easy to cuddle on the couch as it was dress up and head downtown. He seemed to blend well with my friends and family. He remembered what was important to me and cerished who I was. He had a slight stutter and every so often his left eye would twitch. I thought both things were endearing and assumed it was just nerves from being out of his element. I've since come to believe that maybe it was due to his fear of being found out.


Our relationship moved quickly and he asked me to marry him just 4 1/2 months after we first began talking. I said yes with the condition that he move to Canada, we were in the midst of a long distance relationship (Portland Oregon to BC Canada). I was nervous about marrying someone I'd only seen on weekends. I wanted to know how he did life 24/7, the good and the bad. Two months later he moved permanently to Canada. My uncle found him a job and life moved on. The economy was bad in Oregon. T had been at a job that made very little and I assumed his willingness to move was not only on my behalf, but because it would ultimately be the best financial decision for the family we were hoping to build together.

Wedding plans moved ahead. We booked our wedding for October, just 1 year since we'd met for the first time. I didn't have a ton of fears with marrying T. Anything that did come up he was able to put to rest, and none of my family or friends raised any concerns. I wonder if we were just all too caught up in the enchantment of it all?

I did logically write out a list of pros and cons that looked something like this.

• We had fun together. (I'd yet to get tired of him... mind you we were only a year in!)
• We shared a similar faith (from different backgrounds, but the basics were solid)
• He loved the things about me that I was most insecure about.
• I didn't feel like he expected me to change who I was, I knew he wanted me for me.
• We shared similar values in family, finances and morals.
• He took initiative in life and our relationship. He was someone I was comfortable allowing to take the lead on things.
• He had a strong work ethic.
• He cared for my family, before they were his own.
• We fought well!

I would like to expand a little on the latter. Fighting may seem like a strange thing to evaluate compatibility on, but it was eye opening for me. In all my past relationships I had dreaded any kind of disagreement. I avoided them like the plague, and they always seemed to end poorly. Tears, screaming, someone shutting down had been my experience. With T it was so NORMAL for lack of a better word. Sometimes we disagreed. Sometimes I hurt him. Sometimes he hurt me. But we never name called, we never screamed and we never left. We both just went in with our heads up and plugged through until there was a resolution. I believed because of this there would be peace in our home.

Cons:

• His family is disfunctional at its best.

I am out of my element with them. I don't understand how they manage to do life with so much drama, gossip and fighting. I knew my relationship with my in laws would never be easy. T had shared too many stories of abuse and neglect in his childhood that I would never be able to open my heart fully to them. And yet how do you judge the merit of a man by the quality of his family? Is that fair? Should I make the decision not to marry him based on something he'd never have the opportunity to change? I sought counsel, I confided in my closest friends and we went went over it in pre-marriage counselling. In the end my decision was no I would not hold it against him. As a person he was what I wanted, the things I wouldn't compromise on were there.

And so we married October 21, 2006 at the most beautiful candlelight ceremony. The fairy tale started, but little did I know the apple doesn't always fall far from the tree or maybe nothing was as it seemed in the first place...

Dragon Love

Driving home from my parents Ry was happily chatting away in the back seat when she announces, "My LOVE dragons mommy!"

Dragons? Really? Where has my two year old learned to love dragons? Racking my brain I remember that we do own a toddlers version of 'The Paper Bag Princess'. Other then that I'm coming up empty.

In moments like this it's best to go straight to the source...

"Really Ry, you love dragons?"

"Ummm, mo-om! My AM A PRINCESS you know!", said with all the disdain and cheek her two year vocabulary could evoke.

Heaven help me! Raising royalty is hard work.

Parenting by the book?

It all started when my mom came home from a DONA conference with a new book & DVD called "The happiest toddler on the block" by Harvey Karp. Being the diligent first time mama that I am of course I found time to read the book & review the DVD. Karp's basic theory is children are little cavemen and need to be treated as such. Communication should be done at their level and not ours. When your child is down on the floor having a tantrum you need to do the same, in turn showing your child you understand their feelings. Once they stop the tantrum to pay attention to your crazy antics you 'swoop them away and redirect their attention'.

The selling point... You will raise a respectful, patient, well behaved child.

Easy, right? No way.

Shortly after my new found parenting wisdom, Ry & I took a trip to Ikea. She was 18 months. Old enough to enjoy the sights & sounds of a busy store, but too young to realize that everything isn't meant to be handled by her clumsy chubby hands. Everything was going smoothly until we hit the lighting department...

Rylann spotted a beautiful pink glass globe and wanted it now! I calmly explained that it was a 'pretty' just to look at and no touching. The tears began to flow & her pleas just kept getting louder.

My mama's intuition told me she was hungry and her morning nap had been shorter than usual, I should cut my losses pack her up and take her home. And then I remembered Dr. Harvey's words... "give your child the security of knowing you understand them".

And so the inner turmoil began....

"Are you kidding? I am not getting down on the floor to start wailing in my child's face, this is a public area!"
"Really? Is your child's well being not worth more than your reputation?"
"People are going to think I'm nuts!"
"So a few strangers think you're crazy. Rylann's security is totally worth it!"
"Fine, I can handle a few stares... here I go."

And so I got down on my knees in front of Ry's stroller and began the dramatics of crying/wailing that I understood how badly she wanted the light. "MAMA KNOWS YOU WANT THE LIGHT, YOU WANT THE LIGHT. YOU WANT, YOU WANT, YOU WANT THE LIGHT..."

Yes, people stared. Yes, people even stopped to watch. But I was committed, and Rylann was wailing.

And then it went quiet.

I looked up expecting to see a look of absolute understanding on my daughters face. Prepared to now 'swoop her away & redirect her attention'.

Instead I saw a look of absolute terror.
A look that said, "The sky must be falling... because... my... mom... has... just... gone... CRAZY! WHO CARES ABOUT THE BLOODY LIGHT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH MY MOM!"

What I mistook for quiet was really the calm before the storm. Her little face went red, her mouth opened wide, alligator tears streamed down her face and she let out this desperate wail. All the while pushing her little hips out until the strap on the stroller gave way and she flew onto the concrete floor. The crowd that had now grown in size collectively gasped. Rylann's wailing continued and I screamed.

If I lack in many areas it is not commitment. I was committed to this program. And so...

I swooped my daughter up, ran to the car and spent the next 20 minutes directing her attention to her mama's soft calm voice and warm cuddles. No caveman talk, no dramatics, just the security that comes from knowing your mama will always love you, and will always be your mama.

The girl I am absolutely CRAZY about...

Whew... where do I start? I guess with the little bitty that calls me mommy, my daughter. The one person I know I couldn't live without. The reason I would be willing to go back and do it all again. The only person in the world that can drag me out of bed night after night just to make sure she's still breathing and that her covers are on.
She's filled my house with more pink then I believed possible. Taught me that sheer joy can come from turning up your ipod & dancing around the bedroom, and brought wonder back into my world. She's 2 and has the gift of gab! I'm certain this blog will be filled with the Ry moments I have come to expect and fill each moment of my day. I hope you find a giggle somewhere along the way...